you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
