I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
