Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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