shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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