This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
