My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
