can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
