totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
