Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
