This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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