i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
