No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
