We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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