I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
