giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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