my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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