Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Dear god my vagina.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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