Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
