wrigley field is MILF paradise
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Farmville is her only friend.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
