I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
