Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
