she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
