she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
