had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
