"it" just moved
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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