Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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