im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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