I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
