Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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