I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
