did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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