The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
