A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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