He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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