when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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