Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
