A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
