They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
