I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Randomize
