I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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