He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize