sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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