New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
