I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
