when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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