At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
