saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
