Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
God, I missed his penis.
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