I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
