I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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