well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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