but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
