I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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