but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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