You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I skipped work to stalk him.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Randomize
