: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
