sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
