You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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