fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
