Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Randomize
