She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Randomize
