Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize