best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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