Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
