You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
