Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize