first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You smell like stripper and shame
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
