i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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