New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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